Loneliness in university
It’s no secret to those who know me that I’m somewhat awkward to new social situations. I’m sure a lot of people can relate to me with that: feeling your heart in your throat when meeting people, cancelling because you’re overwhelmed, not knowing how to make small talk like “normal” people. It’s difficult.
When the pandemic hit obviously there wasn’t much socialising but online. I was lucky to be in a large Discord server full of like-minded individuals who included me in virtual movie nights until we could meet in person. And for a while after, I had a large group of friends for the first time in my life and it was nice. It really was very nice. Then, the definition of “life happens” happened. People took different uni modules, made their own group chats for class projects, movie night stopped happening etc, etc. The big group became smaller separate ones and that was fine with me because people grow apart. No big deal right? At least my partner still lived in my city if I ever needed social interaction, and he goes out sometimes with housemates. At this point I didn’t really mind who I was hanging out with, as long as I got some mingling done for my mental health.
Then my partner graduated and moved away.
No problem, I still had a friend I had nights out with and we were close. However, he needed a mental health break from social media (which is completely valid) and we never really clicked the same way again. Watching him hang out with mutual friends while I was at home crying because I felt so alone was a rough, humbling experience. It made me think: “Am I going to be this much of a social failure for the rest of my life? Why don’t people want to be around me? Am I just that awful?”
Loneliness is not a new emotion for me. I nearly dropped out of university my foundation year because I simply did not have any friends, or leave my room enough to socialise with my flatmates. They were all older international students, or friends with my ex who made sure I had a reputation before I even arrived. The anxiety I’d felt even going out to grab a sandwich was enough to make me throw up for an hour afterwards. I persevered though, and I’m glad I did.
Loneliness is complicated. It eats you and you’re not sure why. You try to correct your thinking, assure yourself that it’s all in your head and you’re loved and all it takes is reaching out… but then you reach out, and get rejected. “Oh sorry, I’m not free,” or “Oh I can’t… sorry”. No alternative ideas, no follow-up. To put it short, it’s heartbreaking.
Sometimes you don’t do anything wrong. People just prefer other people than you and in some messed up way that’s something you have to accept. But I hate that new mentality of “ditch them if they don’t give you the same energy”…. if I did that I’d have no one left. It truly is rough out there, and a post- quarantine world for someone with autism and severe social anxiety it’s mental hell. I’m probably spending my birthday alone this year and the thought of that makes me feel so utterly hopeless.
